I’m starting to think I don’t want kids, and I’m terrified to tell my fiancé because we got engaged under the assumption that we would have them. I never lied exactly. For years I genuinely thought I wanted a family because that’s just how I pictured adulthood.

You meet someone, get married, buy a house, have a couple kids, complain about daycare, take family photos at pumpkin patches, repeat. But the closer we get to the wedding, the more I realize that when I imagine having a child I mostly feel anxiety, not excitement.

I think about pregnancy, money, childcare, sleep deprivation, schools, safety, losing freedom, the possibility of having a child with serious needs, and the fact that parenting is forever. My fiancé lights up when he talks about being a dad.

He already jokes about coaching Little League. His parents talk about grandkids like they’re practically scheduled. I keep telling myself maybe the maternal instinct will kick in later, but what if it doesn’t? The truly awful part is that if I tell him now, I might destroy our relationship months before the wedding.

If I don’t tell him, I could trap him in a marriage with someone who may never give him the life he wants. And having a child to save the relationship would be unforgivable because that child would eventually feel the weight of a decision they never asked to be part of.

People talk about compromise in marriage, but this is one of those things where there is no halfway version. You can compromise on where to live or how often you visit family. You can’t have half a child.