I’m afraid my husband is becoming like his father and I don’t know if it’s fair to judge somebody based on patterns they haven’t fully repeated yet. His father was controlling with money, dismissive of his wife, and the kind of man who thought paying the bills meant he didn’t have to do anything else at home.

My husband hated that growing up. He used to tell me constantly that he wanted to be different. For a long time he was. But over the past few years he has slowly started saying things that sound exactly like his dad. “I work all day, what more do you want?” “Do we really need to spend money on that?” “Why can’t you just handle it?” He has become more critical about my spending even though I work too.

He’ll make a big purchase for himself and call it necessary, then question something small I buy. He’s not his father, not yet anyway, and I feel guilty for making the comparison because nobody wants to be reduced to their parents’ worst traits.

But patterns don’t arrive wearing labels. They show up as little habits people justify. I’ve tried bringing it up gently and he gets furious because his father is a sensitive subject. He says I’m using his childhood against him. Maybe I am.

But I’m also watching a man I love slowly adopt behaviors he once swore he hated. I don’t know when concern becomes unfair projection.